I have a complicated relationship with myself. I judge myself harshly, I question myself, scrutinize my actions, analyze my thoughts and feelings. But ultimately, it’s all good. My relationship with myself is stable despite all its complications. I’m committed to myself. I’m in it with me. I’m in it till the end. I’ll never give up on myself, on my dreams and goals, nor on my belief that I can reach them. I’ll never give up striving for my potential, to be the person I want to be. I’ll always forgive myself, for I and only I know that at my deepest core my intentions are pure and I work to learn from my mistakes. I’ll never stop trying to improve myself. I’ll never abandon myself. I’ll always love myself. I am my ride-or-die bitch*. 
 
 
*Today I learned (TIL) that “ride or die” comes from “ride it out or die trying”. 
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This is a book born in my heart, born in the pain of ending one life and beginning another, born in the excitement of the continuing search for life’s meaning. Some people do not have to search, they find their niche early in life and rest there, seemingly contented and resigned. They do not seem to ask much of life, sometimes they do not seem to take it seriously. At times I envy them, but usually I do not understand them. Seldom do they understand me. I am one of the searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we really content. We continue to explore life, hoping to uncover its ultimate secret. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach, we are drawn by the ocean, taken by its power, its unceasing motion, its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests and mountains, deserts and hidden rivers, and the lonely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as is our laughter. To share our sadness with one we love is perhaps as great a joy as we can know – unless it be to share our laughter. We searchers are ambitious only for life itself, for everything beautiful it can provide. Most of all we love and want to be loved. We want to live in a relationship that will not impede our wandering, nor prevent our search, nor lock us in prison walls; that will take us for what little we have to give. We do not want to prove ourselves to another or compete for love. This is a book for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers, for lonely men and women who dare to ask of life everything good and beautiful. It is for those who are too gentle to live among wolves. ― James Kavanaugh, There Are Men Too Gentle to Live Among Wolves

Of course. Of course I have a more difficult time figuring out who I am, what gives my life meaning, and what I want to do with my life. I eschew convention, and insist on deciding for myself. I investigate these questions deeper than most people I know (or maybe people just aren’t sharing it? please share!) When you take away everything that society tells you you should be and should want and should do, it’s easy to feel lost in a sea of possibilities. 

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I’ve been learning so much lately. I’ve always had so many questions about myself, people, and life. I dared not hope to find any more wisdom/answers on this trip than I have from my explorations at home, but somehow, I have. I’m seeing that what I once thought were ideas rooted in my strength were actually formed around my inner weaknesses. I see now that what I thought were deep insights were sometimes just reflections of my own limitations*. I’m not sure exactly what’s bringing this flood of insight lately; maybe it’s that I’ve had time and space in my brain to pursue these thoughts; maybe it’s the culmination of my travel experiences; maybe it’s the effect of meditating more regularly; maybe it’s just getting older. Whatever it is, I’m thankful. Meditation is much easier for me with a mantra, and lately I’ve used these two:

“I’m here, I’m open, I’m ready; what wisdom do you have for me, world?”

and

“I am the warmth of the sun.”

The latter is about how I relate to others: I want to radiate my love, my warmth, my energy with others. Even though I struggle with that, I’m learning that I succeed more than I’ve realized**. And the more I meditate on it, and practice it, the easier it happens. I know that I am Love, and I know that others are Love, and I know that we can all sense that in one another. It’s so interesting that these spiritual, cosmic ideas are now as obvious to me as gravity. I see spirit, Love, magic everywhere!

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*Mainly about independence, and being alone. I over-emphasized how important it is to be ok on one’s own, to rely on oneself, to have a deep and profound relationship with oneself, to genuinely appreciate and enjoy time alone, in one’s own company. As important as these things are, these ideas came from my weakness. I was struggling with my relationships with people: with how people made me feel, with how they challenged my ideas, my life, my values, my self-worth; how they made me feel unappreciated, invalid, weird, and excluded. And also how they rarely meet my expectations. So instead of finding a way to deal with it, instead of releasing my expectations of others, instead of validating myself, finding strength and peace from within, instead of washing their insults off of me and thriving despite them – I retreated. And I thought I found “strength” in my cowardly retreat. Now I see that I need to learn how to cultivate that inner peace despite my surroundings. I really do want to be the warmth of the sun. The sun doesn’t retreat when she goes without praise, when she’s ignored, or unappreciated, or taken for granted; she’s ever present, and always bountiful with her loving warm light. I want to be exactly like that: an endless supply of love and warmth, despite surrounding situations. I want to be the friend that’s always happy to see someone, even if I’m hurt that I haven’t heard from them in a while, or if they misunderstand me, or if they’ve hurt me. We are all guilty of that, so I’m letting my judgement of my own and others’ failures go.

**I strive to be positive, open, loving, and nonjudgmental, but at times that is hard for me. During the temazcal, there was a couple next to me being a little lovey-dovey. As I’ve been so focused on independence for the last few years, it bothered me a little. I kept thinking that they should be able to enjoy this experience on their own, and that they can’t be as introspective if they’re focused on one another. But I countered that judgemental thought with another: maybe they are having a different experience together, but I’m sure it’s wonderful and valuable all the same. At the end of the temazcal, the woman told me that she could “really feel my love” during the ceremony. I was amazed that during my inner turmoil/inquietude, my love was still radiating. It was one of the kindest thing anyone has ever said to me, and it came at a time in which I needed to hear it. When I shared this anecdote with George, he said, “your love may be uncommented upon, but it does not go unnoticed.” I feel as if each time I struggle or feel insecure, I receive the most wonderful compliments. The Universe provides.

 

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Comiendo poco,
Durmiendo mal.
Pero viviendo el mundo, y punto.

Eating little,
Sleeping poorly.
But living the world, period.

– El Mundito del Rap by Canserbero

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What does it mean to identify? Is it how close you are to the other members of the group? Is it how important this characteristic is to you, and how it affects your thoughts and feelings? Is it how important this characteristic is to society, and how people treat you? Is it how proud we are to be it? Is it the degree to which we attach it to our personality?

It’s interesting to see the words that people choose to identify themselves, and also what they identify with more. We all choose our own ways to describe ourselves. This is how I identify, with stronger items that are more core to my being at the top of the list. Some items on the list refer to a mindset, which is just as important as tangible conditions.

  1. I am a part of the world.
  2. I am transient (*mortal).
  3. I am an earthling.
  4. I am human.
  5. I believe in love. I believe in loving all beings, in love’s power to conquer all, and I’m a pacifist.
  6. I am open.
  7. I am female.
  8. I am a young adult.
  9. I am middle-class.
  10. I am the child of immigrants.
  11. I am an optimist.
  12. I am inquisitive.
  13. I am intellectual.
  14. I am independent.
  15. I am creative.
  16. I am adventurous.
  17. I am a biker.
  18. I am an environmentalist.
  19. I am a US citizen.
  20. I am black**.
  21. I am tall.
  22. I am plain.

*I had an extensive conversation with a linguist-enthusiast friend about using transient to mean mortal. Mortal focuses on death and the end of life. Transient has a broader lens. It’s about existing in this world for a short time; passing through.  It has larger implications: that this world, this experience, this dimension is perhaps not all there is. Of course, I mean this in the Stephen Hawking/ Rick&Morty way, not in the heaven/hell way.

**I realize that this is shockingly low on the list, especially compared to how high on the list “female” is. Racially, I’ve had a unique experience, I guess. A uniquely pleasant experience. Past the age of 8, I lived in mostly white communities. Affluent, educated, worldly white communities where I’m treated as an equal, a neighbor, a peer, a friend. I don’t expect prejudice when I interact with white people; I expect to be treated with respect. That’s an important distinction, I think: seeing racism as the exception, not the rule. The effect that this has on one’s mindset is profound.

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I want honesty, openness, vulnerability. I want to be direct. I want to ask for what I want. I want to share how I feel. I want to know how you feel. I want to ask all the questions, even the hard questions that challenge my prejudices, my opinions, and the idea I have of who I am. I want you to ask the questions that linger on your tongue for fear of offending me, or getting hurt. I want to be REAL with people. I want to talk about pain and fear and dreams and hopes. I want to hear about your hard times, and what you learned from them. I want to be with you through your lows as well as your highs. I don’t want to hide under a social media mask that only shows the pretty, cool, impressive, successful parts of life. I want to value the less palatable experiences just as much, for I’ve learned that they have the potential to bring so much grace, patience, and understanding of people and the world at large. They offer a rare opportunity for true, deep connection between people. I have suffered alone too many times, and I know far too many people who have suffered alone as well. As Alan Watts said, “Just as manure fertilizes the plants, so the contemplation of death, and the acceptance of death is very highly generative of creating life. You get wonderful things out of that.”

I’ve failed a lot on my quest for more authentic relationships, and I’ve lost a couple of friends along the way. But I’m not giving up.

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“I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.”

-Rainer Maria Rilke, 1903 in Letters to a Young Poet

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And that’s ok with me. I’m just surprised I didn’t admit this to myself sooner.

I look at the people who succeed here, and I’m not like them. I’m never going to be eager to fulfill my boss’s needs. I’m never going to make small talk or networking a priority for me. I’m never going to have a 5-year plan for professional growth. I’m never going to dedicate my ambition to a company. I simply don’t want to do these things, and the benefits they bring don’t have value to me, nor are they worthy of my energy.

I’m like a grumpy dog, too stubborn to do tricks for treats. I’d refuse to get off my ass. You want me to roll over? Beg? Shake your hand? FUCK YOU AND YOUR DUMBASS TREATS! That’s basically how I feel about the corporate world – doing a lot of fake, dumb, meaningless actions to get treats (income, prestige, and a way to impress people when they ask what you do).

I’ll cautiously take this one step further. It’s more than just the corporate world. I feel this way about society. Society is our harshest judge, and our most fickle critic. Why should we judge ourselves by the values of others? Why do we assume society’s values instead of thinking critically and finding one’s own values? Because it is difficult. It takes a lot of strength of self to eschew the masses and hold on to one’s self. There is immense strength in each artist that chooses to sacrifice the will of society and the pressures of the world in order to pursue their own work. There is immense strength in people that are unsatisfied with the answers they are given, and choose to look further, think deeper, explore existentially in order to find something that speaks to them, that makes sense to them.

I look at this modern world, and don’t see the world. I don’t see the Earth, our humanity, our animality. Rather, I see us abandoning our truth. Our true selves are not groomed, edited, styled, nor poised. Our true selves are messy, scared, naked, curious, emotional, and humble. We lie about ourselves. We hide ourselves. We cover ourselves in makeup and fashion, showing only our best angle to the camera, and to the world. We curtail our speech, we suppress and ignore our thoughts, saying only what we hope will be well-received. And in doing so our true selves are subdued, often to the point that we don’t even know our true selves, and sometimes to the point of near non-existence. The profoundness of our sadness, the transcendence of our ideas, the brilliance of our questions, the delicacy of our love, the creativity in our ponderings, the sincerity of our fears, are all lost in the effort to be palatable to society. Society doesn’t value these things, so we have learned to hide them in order to protect our vulnerable selves. But what is more human than the things we experience so deeply within ourselves? What is more real? So much of what we do and what consumes our minds and our time serves not us, but others, society. And that is a betrayal to our selves.

Who are you? What will be revealed if we strip down the bullshit we layer on ourselves to insulate us from society’s judgement, and satiate our ego? Who are you without the job, the house, the car, the posh friends? Who are you without the rules of society, without the expectations of others? Who are you without the ideas our peers have of us being the funny one, the artsy one, the athlete, the DJ, the hipster, the goth? Who are you without the impressiveness of your accomplishments, your fancy vacations, your athletic achievements, your GPA, your instagram followers, your sarcasm? Who are you without the cute shoes, the smokey eyes, the (sic) swole muscles, the #beardgamestrong?  Who are you without the pretense?

It’s not that these things aren’t valuable. The question is, is it valuable to YOU? Do you do it for yourself or for the effect it has with others?  Are you an athlete because you’re good at sports, or are you an athlete because you intrinsically love it? Be not an athlete. Be someone that loves athletics. Be not a writer. Be someone that loves to write. Be not a misfit. Be yourself. Stop obeying what others tell you, and decide for yourself.

 

“There are men too gentle to live among wolves
Who prey upon them with their IBM eyes
And sell their hearts and guts for martinis at noon.
There are men too gentle for a savage world”

-James Kavanaugh, There Are Men Too Gentle To Live Among Wolves

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  1. The world is jello. When I move, you move.
  2. I am deeply, deeply, deeply grateful to be a woman. Ironically, my pathological fear of pregnancy would be much worse if I was a man.
    • I’ve vehemently not wanted children for a decade. Is that currently true, or have I entrenched myself in a neuropathway so deep I can’t get out? I can’t imagine wanting kids, but I’d like to be able to explain that sentiment more eloquently.
  3. I simultaneously seek and hide from my true nature. I can’t even bring myself to say what I’m referencing. I don’t want it to be true.
  4. I love learning so much that I liked to imagine heaven as a place where you spend eternity asking “god” questions and getting complete answers.
    • Note, I imagined it not as a place with answers, but a place where you spend eternity learning. The process and the “conversation” is key in this fantasy.
    • I also liked (and still like) believing in magic. Maybe it just exists in a different way than is contemporarily imagined. Maybe what we believed was magic is now called science. Maybe the chaos of life is magic. Maybe life itself is magic. Maybe magic has lost the world.
  5. I’ve spent my life searching for answers to questions I can’t even conceptualize.
  6. Things I want to learn about:
    • consciousness
    • epistemology
    • existentialism
    • neuropsychology
    • languages
    • words (diction)`
  7. Things I want to be:
    • a philosopher, obviously
    • a research psychologist, duh
  8. I am attracted to intelligent independent thought.
  9. The thoughts, ideas, and questions that fill my brain are in a completely different realm than most people’s. In some ways they’re macro, a 50,000 ft view of human behavior. In the exact same way, it’s a micro view . I don’t know if I’m obsessing over trivial things that only exist in one’s mind, or if I’m trying to grasp really BIG things that explain everything we experience.
  10. Why does society succumb to authority so easily, and why do people think it’s a good thing to obey?
  11. I’m losing a tangible hold on the world. I just want to be naked in nature, close to the earth. So few things in this modern world are real.
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